You Simply Cannot Spell Batman Star Wars
by Swamp Thing
Summary: ...Without An Indiana Jones Chewbacca.


What I find most difficult to understand, of the many difficult-to-understand aspects of Batman's recent and quite dominant presence in Star Wars following his headline-stealing defeat of Indiana Jones in the Second Battle Beneath Yavin For The Planet Of The Apes Coffee Spring Formal Dance Party, is why, with the vast wealth of Bruce Wayne and the many devices found upon and within his belt, the Caped Crusader is not yet King Of The Butterfly People. The Butterfly People, if the true believers will allow me to waste their time for a moment so that I may inform the dilettantes, were a race of Klingons found in the Marvel Star Wars comic books standing between Han Solo and Darth Vader at the bar owned by Miss Piggy and supervised by a HAL computer in several issues that you do not own because it is clear that they do not exist. Still, with Batman being such a lead character in Star Wars since Indiana Jones left in such a fit of leather hat-free embarrassment only to have Short Round leap upon Chewbacca's back like a lost Yoda among us in the clouds and take off with large blocks upon the atomic batteries and speed limit-ignoring turbines that have run more red lights than Peter Vankman on his way to assist Casper The Friendly Ghost in defeating Hot Stuff, after the little devil finally snapped under the massive weight of the pressure felt by one who appears so Satanic but behaves in a manner so kind, it is quite the conundrum that the Dark Knight has yet to lead the beloved Butterfly People in the victory against the yellow and catlike Huts that they have for which they have for all these years longed. However, with Han Solo having traded the _Millennium Falcon _for The Riddler's left testicle, which is the exact size and shape as the _Millennium Falcon_ but is actually capable of making the Kessel Run in a number of parsecs that is in the single digits and can go a full one beyond light speed faster than Dr. Seuss can travel on beyond zebra, Batman seems quite content to sip his iced tea on a hammock that stretches between Hoth and the third forest moon of Endor, after the first two had been turned into cubes by The Joker when he needed something to replace the two ice cubes he used to boil his tea before Lex Luthor noticed that the freezer had been disturbed. And when Aquaman speaks at the Gungun Convention in the evaporated Kevin Costner movie (JFK) that is Bespin, he will be sure to forget to mention that Martian Manhunter is a far better hunter of men than Boba Fett hoped to be when wishing to follow in his father's footsteps on sliced wookiee ponytails and tales from the Dark Side of Gary Larson's forgotten parables of dinosaurs and cows dancing aggressively on the stinger of a mosquito who has lost his way not merely geographically but also in the sense that religion has eluded this mosquito ever since Obi-Wan Kenobi changed his name to Ben Grimm and joined the Fantastic Four. Unlike his former padawan Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Grimm was not now more machine than man, but had more time for clobbering than he had to hear the sounds of thousands of voices crying out and being suddenly silenced, a noise most familiar to any well-traveled mosquito as countless brethren have been swatted upon trying to feed at a company picnic or two. There is very little chance, with all these years since Galactus failed to feed upon Alderaan, that the Silver Surfer will find the love of Leia Organa of which he has dreamt since that long since forgotten morning that he came to earth to warn the one once known as Obi-Wan that Four Freedoms Plaza would soon be eaten and cause Ozymandias to be simply the smartest man of the cinderblock with Jenny from it and the New Kids on it. It was then that Obi-Wan was forced to abandon Grimm and face the grim task of recruiting Luke Skywalker and training him in the ways of Susan Storm Richards's force fields that no lightsaber can tear asunder, only after falling asleep on a bed built by him by Jawas using the masks of naked Tuskan Raiders Of The Last Archie, after Mr. Andrews could not decide whether Betty or Veronica would be his wife following an argument with Jughead regarding the number of hamburgers that the Hamburgler can apprehend before Jughead completes his breakfast ritual and, if it is too many, whether Jughead will still be hungry enough for the ham steak that Laurence Of Arabia has left in his refrigerator following the Xenomorph-themed prom hosted by Starksky and Dutch, played by Dennis Quaid as he supervises Donnie Darko and Patrick Verona making tender love among the sheepskin blankets that the Jawas have also provided as they are no longer in the droid-smuggling business and have instead joined the recently-reformed Penguin in a new venture that involved the legal retailing of mattresses, sheets and other things that all people and aliens require in order to sleep comfortably. But even as obvious as all of this is, it still fails to explain clearly to me why Lando Calrissian has attached a metal headband to Alfred Pennyworth after his secret meeting with Maxwell Lord upon Vandal Savage's yacht as Alec Holland watched patiently from atop The Hall Of Dr. Doom, not a building but a former helmet of Darth Vader which he left to rot in Degobagh after his head got too big for the leather britches that house legs that truly were only built by Palpatine following the burning in lava of a Jedi fallen. Nobody ever mentioned to Robin that a boy might wonder what happened to his father and might ask the Thing, now returned to his role as a Jedi Master, who would only tell him a variation of the truth that is true only from a certain point of view only held by those who collect action figures and place plastic representations of characters who share a body next to each other on shelves to display to friends in the basement of the king's castle before it is taken by savages in a massive uprising of the people who have been too long held in the chains of Spider-Man's webbing build by a more aggressive twin sister of Captain America after she made love to Bizarro in the style preferred by three out of four Vulcan dentists, but detested by Mr. Spock himself who, even after all these years and thousands of failed attempts, still cannot fill Captain Kirk's pillows with Tribble fur any more than he can clean Denny Crane's teeth, and no matter how many times Denny's cousin Jonathan tries to help the half-Vulcan learn the art of dentistry, he always seems to confuse his laughing gas with his fear toxin and do considerably more harm than good and, in the end, leave TJ Hooker's teeth less polished than they would have been without fear toxin. Perhaps it was an attempt to escape fear toxin that brought Batman to Mars in the first place, to have a conversation with Dr. Manhattan regarding whether Gotham City was really a series of random events that even Lemony Snicket himself could barely fail to capture with the camera he just purchased from Jimmy Olson in a deal that Mary-Kate and Ashley are still unsure was really their brother Jimmy's to make, which is what led to their decision to sell him, a sale far too tempting for even the now law-abiding Jawas to resist and, despite how much The Penguin protested, they were still unable to stop themselves from purchasing him and selling his parts to the highest bidder who, as always, was Sheriff Brody who only recently had abandoned his plans to join Indiana Jones in attempting to help Rocky Balboa assist his former GI Joe teammates in bringing John Rambo back to a place of reason where a true man realizes that, even if you get to win this time, you cannot win The Price Is Right if you are too distracted by Bob's Beauties. And it was then, even after so many tears shed that summer by the lake that Timothy realized he could only truly befriend Harry Potter if he left Zantanna behind and move on with a life that is filled not with the tricks of Dr. Strange, but with the real magic found in the helmet of the one called Nabu. And with that realization, Batman learned that you can't fight your destiny, and the Butterfly People had been too long without a leader.


End file.
